my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
