new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
