Just cropdusted the office
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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