you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
