from now on my penis is your penis
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
