he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
