i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
