I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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