Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
