How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
