I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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