I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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