can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
