Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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