Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
