I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
