I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
