I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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