dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
