Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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