I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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