I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
