My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
