The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
