is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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