Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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