your parents love me but you hate me
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
