i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
