please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
