I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
