help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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