why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
