I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
