overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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