Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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