smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
