You're so nebulous sometimes
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
