the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
