Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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