You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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