i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
