Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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