i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
