Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
