I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
