I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
