All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
