oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
