OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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