A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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