you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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