I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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