I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize