So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
