he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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