well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
